i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
