I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
