We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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