I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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