i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
