I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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