I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.