Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.