I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off