Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
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you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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