i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
