he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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