everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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