he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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