Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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