Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
