I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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