i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
