i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
