last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
