Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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