why didn't you poke me back
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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