i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I AM VODKA MAN
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
