Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
