Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
