i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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