Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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