how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
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I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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