remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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