Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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