I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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