you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
