She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
