The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
