If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
should my penis look like a turkey
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
