God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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