I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
