my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Holy shit dude........stairs
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
