I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
