Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
