My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
