I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
