Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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