guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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