So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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