uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
