My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
