It's Friday. Sex?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
