My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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