Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
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I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
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Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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