capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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