My sheets look like a crime scene.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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