I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
