I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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