MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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