I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
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How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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