In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
